Memento Mori
by Anya2
Summary: Post 'Parting Of The Ways' Rose is struggling with the choice of moving on or clinging to what she has lost.


**Title:** Memento Mori  
**Rating:** T  
**Pairings:** Doctor/Rose, Jack/Rose  
**Category:** Romance/Angst  
**Set:** Approx. 1 year after Parting Of The Ways  
**Spoilers:** I'm using vague aspects here that are given as spoilers for the end of the season so don't read if you don't want a clue about what happens.

**Author's Note:** This is a little premature I know, but it was inspired by some points that came up during a discussion on Time and Chips.

* * *

Rose sat on the edge of the ornate swimming pool, her jeans rolled up, her bare toes splashing lightly in the water below. She stared down, watching the ripples her movements made across the surface, trying and failing to sort out things in her head. 

It was stupid really. She was feeling guilty about not feeling guilty. She'd had sex with Jack and she hadn't woken up to regret it. In fact, she had woken up feeling happy and loved for the first time in ages. It had taken her a good ten minutes to even think about The Doctor.

Her Doctor, she corrected herself. The Doctor was in the kitchen at the moment. She had walked past to hear him chatting to the TARDIS in his light Scottish brogue. He did that a lot, even though she never answered back. He said he didn't want her to think that she was seen as only a glorified taxi.

Rose smiled to herself. He was adorable, she had to give him that. That sweet, cheeky face could always make anyone feel better about anything. The Doctor certainly had a way with people, even managing to help her after he had arrived in place of his predecessor.

Without a doubt they had been the hardest times of Rose's life and looking back now she didn't know how she had survived intact. The Daleks had returned, Jack was missing, she had just found out she could never go home and the Doctor… He was dead but he wasn't. Gone but still standing in front of her, wearing a different face and being a different person. She'd still known it was him, she could feel it in his presence. But it wasn't the same.

How did you mourn someone when they weren't really dead? How did you say goodbye to someone and move on when there was a new version of them with you every day?

She'd just survived those first few months, holding on by her fingernails, scared what would happen if she gave up and surrender to all the terrible feelings inside of her. The new Doctor had been amazing, bless him. He was better at emotions than his predecessor, understood them better.

He had told her that Nine had loved her. That he felt it, even though it was someone else's memory and he didn't feel the same. He had said that Nine had known she loved him too, even though it never went anywhere. Even though she never said it. He had lived nine hundred years, seen and experienced countless thing and some of the fondest memories he ever had were of being with her. She'd saved him from himself and he would be forever grateful. Whoever he was now, whoever he became in the future, he would always care for her, even if it would never be in the way Nine had.

It wasn't much, but it was better than nothing. It was better than him hating her.

And they had become good friends, even though Rose was still hurting, even though the process of mourning had made it hard and painfully slow. This new Doctor was playful and cheeky, always looking on the bright side of things and almost constantly cheerful. It made him easy to get on with. Lessened the ache inside her slightly to something she could manage.

Things had improved a lot more when they had finally recovered Jack, very worse for wear but thankfully alive. It'd had been good to have something else to concentrate on; helping him to get better, helping him overcome the mental trauma he'd suffered during his imprisonment. At first he had been a much more serious person than she remembered him being, but gradually the old Jack had started to sneak through. Even when he seemed fully recovered though he'd lost some of his old sparkle. There were more points when the darkness came through. More times when his grin disappeared and he stared hollowly into the distance.

And he never jokingly flirted with the Doctor anymore.

Maybe he just didn't fancy this one. Or maybe he just felt what Rose did; that he wasn't the same person and to pretend he was, that was a betrayal of their friend's memory.

Gradually, with Jack's gentle understanding and the Doctor's insistence upon taking them on more adventures, she had begun to feel like living again. Like she was actively taking part in the universe rather than just existing in it. She'd even stopped hugging the Doctor's battered old leather jacket in bed at night, crying because it smelt like him but was never enough. She'd put it carefully away in her wardrobe, deciding it was perfectly healthy to want to keep a memento of him but that she had to move on. He had given up his life to allow her that chance. The least she could do was make the most of the opportunity.

It wasn't quite the same – her, Jack and the new Doctor - it never would be. But it was fun in a different way and Rose had begun to actually enjoy herself again. She could push the darkness away for much longer.

And then Jack had kissed her.

She'd gone to his room in the middle of the night, terrible things running through her mind as they occasionally still did, leaving her unable to sleep. She hadn't expected him to be awake, it would have done her just to see a friendly face for a moment, but as soon as she had carefully opened the door he had sat up and asked her what was wrong.

They'd sat and talked for a long time that night. Jack was so easy to talk to, although she had no idea why. He just put her at ease. Made her feel like he understood even though he probably really didn't.

What had surprised her was when he had begun to talk about himself. About what had happened to him in the months he'd been missing. She'd only heard snippets before but now…

He'd been through hell, she could see that by the state he was in when they'd got him back. She'd never really thought about what that actually meant though. What they'd done to him. It was amazing he was alive. And sane.

When he admitted that he was still scared, that he'd rather die than have to go though something like that again, she had hugged him fiercely and without thinking. She cared about him so deeply and he was hurting and afraid, it was just the natural thing to do.

But as they'd pulled apart her eyes had met his and she'd stopped. They were blue. Not the wrong shade, just a different one. And look behind them was different too. From both the Doctor and the old Jack she'd known. This one seemed older, more serious, more haunted. This one looked at her without a trace of his usual well rehearsed charm. He wasn't giving her what she wanted to see. He was simply giving her what he felt.

When his hand had cupped the back of her head, fingers entwining in her hair she hadn't moved. She didn't know what to feel, only that nothing inside her seemed to be fighting it, even though she felt like it should be.

When his lips descended on hers it was nothing like she had imagined it would be. Kissing Jack should be like suddenly being set ablaze. It should be fireworks and swooning, all force and confidence. But he was beautifully hesitant, amazingly tender with her. His lips gently massaged hers, barely putting any pressure on them at all. When he pulled away he was staring at her in awe and she was breathless from emotion.

She didn't react immediately, subconsciously reaching up and touching her lips with her fingertips, looking thoughtfully at a point on the floor but not seeing it. Jack had taken her silence to mean she wasn't happy with what he had done and he had immediately begun to apologise profusely, saying he had misread the moment and he didn't want to lose her friendship.

Rose had smiled at him.

"_I thought you preferred men."_

_He stopped, seemingly taken aback by that unexpected response. Then he smiled slightly._

"_What makes you think that?"_

"_I'm not totally oblivious," she said, grinning a little wider, "I know you bat for both sides…"_

_He laughed at that expression._

"_I just thought you preferred playing for the other team."_

_He shrugged lightly, seeing no point in being anything but totally honest with her, "Men are simpler to deal with. More fun. But it's all attraction. Just sex. There's never anything deeper. Not for me, at least."_

_He'd smiled at his own feelings, "I fancy guys, but fall for girls. I dunno why. Just seems to happen like that."_

_Rose ignored the implications of that sentence for a moment and instead sat on the edge of the bed next to him._

"_People must be pretty open minded where you come from."_

_He grinned fondly, remembering his home._

"_When people started having sex with different species, being with members of the opposite sex didn't really seem that unusual anymore. It's not like the twenty-first century, Rose. There's no gay or straight or bisexual. You just are who you are. You fancy who you fancy. You're with who you wanna be with."_

"_Sounds…different," Rose admitted, having a hard time seeing humanity as being so accepting. Clearly much changes in forty odd thousand years.  
_

"_Not as much as you might think," he admitted with a chuckle, "In the end most guys get with a girl and vice versa. That's just the way nature intended it, I guess. One thing we're very good at is populating the universe, and the old fashioned way is still the best method of doing it."_

_Rose giggled, "You make it sound so romantic."_

"_Oh there's plenty of romance still," he said, with a wistful smile, "Just lots and lots of kinky sex to go with it."_

_She giggled again._

"_Come on," he said with a grin, "Don't tell me you've never fancied a woman. Never wondered what it'd be like…"_

"_No!" she said immediately denied, surprisingly embarrassed by the idea._

"_Sure you have," Jack said, looking at her carefully, "You're just a little scared to admit it. It doesn't make you different, Rose. It makes you normal. We're curious by nature."_

It had taken her a full three months to open up to him. In that period they had kissed many more times. Spent a lot of time together cuddling, holding hands and having fun. She was amazed at how gentle he was, how loving and tender his advances were. They never discussed what they had or where it was going. For the time being they were both happy to settle with living in the moment and the fact that being with each other felt nice.

They hadn't told the Doctor about it, although his cheeky comments and little knowing glances suggested that he knew something was going on. He was good enough not to mention it though, giving them their own time to find out what they had.

Then one night, three months after that first kiss, she had dragged Jack off to the TARDIS's small cinema and sat him down, telling him just to watch.

About half way into the film she had pointed to the screen and whispered in his ear.

"_If I ever did…If I was curious and wanted to find out what it was like…I'd choose her."_

_Jack eyes had widened almost as much as his grin, "Really?"_

_He looked back up at the screen critically for a moment._

"_What's her name?"_

"_Angelina Jolie."_

"_You have great taste" he said with an approving nod, "She's hot."_

"_She's interesting," Rose admitted._

_Jack's grin grew far cheekier, "You know, this is a time machine. We could pop out and see if she'd satisfy that curiosity of yours."_

_Rose elbowed him in the ribs for that and so had started a major popcorn fight. The tiny kernels had flown everywhere, were stuffed down shirts and trousers, stuck into hair and crushed into pockets. He'd chased her down the corridor as she tried to retreat to her room, a handful of popcorn ready to assault her. No matter how fast she was, Jack was always quicker on his feet and he got inside the room before she could close the door on him. She'd struggled valiantly, grabbing him by the wrist as she tried to fend him off, the pair of them giggling and shrieking like idiots. Jack's huge warm grin was such an amazing sight._

_Eventually she managed to disarm him, although she guessed that he allowed her to do so out of some sense of chivalry. She'd whacked him on the shoulder, complaining she could feel popcorn down her bra and it was uncomfortable._

_Jack wiggled his eyebrows, "Want some help with that?"_

_He dived at her, tickling her ribs mercilessly, high on life and fun for the first time in ages. Rose shrieked as her attacked her, barely able to breath, trying to squirm out of his grasp and fight back. In her attempt to escape she stumbled backwards onto the bed, Jack falling down with her._

_They stopped instantly, the intimate weight of body on body suddenly changing the situation. They stared at each other for a long moment before they realised that neither of them was moving away._

Rose had been the one to initiate it. She remembered running her hands softly up and down his back, telling him wordlessly that it was alright. That this is what she wanted. He'd kissed her then, all slow, tender passion, pushing her gently to each step prepared to stop if she asked him to do so.

She smiled; he'd tasted of the salty popcorn that was still stuck to him in places.

Making love to Jack had been as different from her expectations as his kisses had been. He was a slow, careful lover. He knew just where to touch her. He knew how to make her feel loved and wanted. He worshiped her body with awe, telling her how beautiful and amazing she was. As he had moved within her, their bodies intimately entwined, he had whispered simple, lovely words into her ear and Rose had gripped his back tightly, never wanting to let go. Never wanting to lose him like she had lost so many others.

She had slept wrapped securely in his arms afterwards, at peace for the first time in months. Finally feeling like she truly belonged somewhere again.

And now, here she was, having abandoned a still sleeping Jack to give herself time to come to terms with the fact she moving on. If she was honest with herself, the idea of finally letting go scared her so much because it was a final goodbye to the Doctor and whatever it was they had had together. What if she forgot? How would she ever forgive herself? Did she really have to live alone for the rest of her life just because she felt guilty about moving on?

Jack would look after her.

Jack would be there for her.

Jack would never hurt her.

Jack loved her.

And much to her surprise she knew she was falling for him too. It had come on so gradually that she hadn't even realised it until they'd been lying skin to skin last night. The thought had almost made her cry but she had forced herself to hold it back, not wanting to ruin their moment. Not wanting his overriding memory of their first time together to be her tears. This should be a happy moment. A moment for love not sadness.

But as Rose sat here now the tears did come. Her memories of her Doctor were slipping from her, the same way the water was running through her toes and away. She couldn't hold on to them anymore, cling to them like she had so desperately since he'd gone. And for the first time she didn't want to. She wanted to move on, to live.

She hated herself for it. She felt like she was betraying him as her lips forgot the feel of his one and only kiss, given to her the last time she had seen him, before he had given his life to save so many others. Jack's kisses were there now. Sweet and loving. From a man who had changed so much with all he had gone through.

She was so confused.

And then, as usual when she really needed him, the Doctor was there.

"You don't have to let it go, Rose," he said softly, stepping up behind her, his Scottish accent somehow always seeming to warm her slightly, "You don't have to forget."

She felt a hand on her shoulder and she gave him a watery smile.

"But all he ever wanted was for you to be happy."

She looked up at him sadly, "I know. It's just…This'll be the end of it, yeah? I mean really the end now. I don't know how to say goodbye."

He smiled, "You don't. Things don't end. They just change."

He crouched down beside her, rubbing her arm comfortingly.

"Jack is a good man. Don't walk away from him because you think you should. The universe is so dark, Rose. When you see a bright spot, step into it."

He leant across and kissed her cheek softly, stroking her hair in a reassuring manner as he stood up and walked away.

She sat entirely still for a few moments, making an important decision, before she got clumsily to her feet and ran out of the pool and down the corridor.

She closed the door behind her as she entered the room, quickly pulling her clothes back off and returning to her previous place under the covers. She scooted over to the warm, naked body lying next to her, splaying her hand possessively across his chest, burying her head in the crook of his neck.

"Do you know your feet are wet?" Jack mumbled softly next to her.

Rose shivered pleasantly as his arms slipped around her waist and tenderly caressed her side.

"Don't worry about it," she said, smiling against his skin, kissing his neck gently, entwining her legs with his.

She felt him shudder under her lips.

"Are you alright?" he asked after a moment of recovery, holding her a little more tightly, his hand drifting over to trail across her stomach. As if he couldn't get enough of touching her. Rose liked that.

She grinned and felt a warm and wonderful feeling pass through her. For the first time in ages, something finally felt right. As though things could be perfect once more. As though she had a future not just a past.

"Yeah," she said, snuggling closer to him, "I feel fantastic."

For the first time she smiled silently at the thought of her Doctor, telling him that she would never forget him and all he'd done for her but that now really was the time to say goodbye. That she had her whole life ahead of her. That she had this amazing future to look forward to and it was all thanks to him. She'd be forever grateful. She'd always love him. But now there was room in her heart for someone else, and she'd found a good man to take it. She had to live again.

And somehow she knew he'd understand.

That he was smiling and was happy for her.

That he too had finally said goodbye.


End file.
